By SUSAN STONE, LCSW
Across the country, more communities and veterinary practices are recognizing and
responding the need for pet owner bereavement services. We know that the grief
response associated with pet loss can be every bit as acute - sometimes more so - than
responses to human loss. Yet, the compassionate understanding associated with the
need to be out of the office for a family death is rarely extended to those suffering from the
loss of their beloved animal companion.
Our friends and relatives sometimes feel we should be moving on, getting back into life,
after all it was a “pet”. This can intensify feelings of grief to include an unexpressed anger
at such invalidation of the animal’s contributions to our life, further isolating those who
grieve. If the grief response includes the transient manifestation of depression - staying
in bed, insomnia, repetitive review of the loss, denial, wanting to be alone, lack of
appetite or chronic tearfulness - reactions from friends and family members can
challenge the normalcy of such responses.
Some internet sites have attempted to address the need of those who mourn pets,
offering resources to memorialize pets and write stories of loss. But sometimes the very
human need to personally speak about, eulogize and share stories about the departed
friend goes unmet and grief remains unexpressed. Calls to friends and family may soon
fall on deaf ears and impatient responses may quickly replace limited tolerance for such
expressions.
At such times, pet bereavement support groups help fill this social void, offering a context
where grief associated with pet loss is respected, validated and mainstreamed into the
community’s social conscience. While pet ownership has never been so high, and
acknowledgement of their importance has reached new societal comprehension, social
tolerance for mourning their loss is limited in scope and expression.
While the mourner may be drawn to attend a pet bereavement group, they may wonder, -
what happens in the group? Isn’t it very sad? And who comes to such a group?
The answers may be surprising. Those who attend the pet bereavement group come
from all professions, walks of life and social situations. We have had doctors, teachers,
mental health professionals, public servants, caregivers, young adults, couples, and
seniors.
Some attend to find comfort in the understanding offered by a group whose shares their
loss. Others may be searching for validation as they feel their grief responses may not be
“normal” and there is something wrong with them. Others need to process feelings
associated with euthanizing a pet or may need a debriefing after a chronic illness. But
most of all, people come to tell the story of their pet - to eulogize their life, their significant
contributions and to memorialize their unique experience.
While there are appropriate tears, there is also laughter amidst tender recollections.
Because group members share a capacity to deeply bond with animals, shared stories
find a very receptive audience. Descriptions of a departed pets unique behavioral quirks
or majestic heroics bring smiles and pride, continuing the persons connection to his lost
friend.
Most groups do not require registration so one’s confidence and anonymity is respected.
And most such groups are free of charge in order to reduce barriers to participation.
People may find that one group is all they need to purge excruciating feelings and
understand they are not alone. Others attend several meetings, needing that support
throughout those early weeks and months which cannot be easily found elsewhere.
Frequently those with a more distant loss give hope to newcomers that the pain is
bearable and will lessen in time. Most who attend are surprised by the extent of the relief
and comfort they feel.
Finally, people ask me how I can continue to facilitate a group of this emotional intensity.
There is an easy answer. The people who attend this group truly cherished their animal
companions. Most of them went to enormous lengths — often at great sacrifice - to
protect the life and health of their special friend. Their capacity to deeply bond with their
animal friends makes them people you’d want to know. It is an honor to walk this path
with them as they honor the miracle of their companion’s life.
Susan Stone, LCSW a licensed clinical social worker with certifications in
bereavement, is also a Delta Society Evaluator and Pet Partner Instructor. Ms. Stone
initiated Animal Assisted Therapy Programs at Bergen County hospitals, and speaks
on the importance of the animal-human bond. Ms. Stone has a private practice in
Englewood Cliffs, N.J. and may be e-mailed at susanstonelcsw@aol.com.
Across the country, more communities and veterinary practices are recognizing and
responding the need for pet owner bereavement services. We know that the grief
response associated with pet loss can be every bit as acute - sometimes more so - than
responses to human loss. Yet, the compassionate understanding associated with the
need to be out of the office for a family death is rarely extended to those suffering from the
loss of their beloved animal companion.
Our friends and relatives sometimes feel we should be moving on, getting back into life,
after all it was a “pet”. This can intensify feelings of grief to include an unexpressed anger
at such invalidation of the animal’s contributions to our life, further isolating those who
grieve. If the grief response includes the transient manifestation of depression - staying
in bed, insomnia, repetitive review of the loss, denial, wanting to be alone, lack of
appetite or chronic tearfulness - reactions from friends and family members can
challenge the normalcy of such responses.
Some internet sites have attempted to address the need of those who mourn pets,
offering resources to memorialize pets and write stories of loss. But sometimes the very
human need to personally speak about, eulogize and share stories about the departed
friend goes unmet and grief remains unexpressed. Calls to friends and family may soon
fall on deaf ears and impatient responses may quickly replace limited tolerance for such
expressions.
At such times, pet bereavement support groups help fill this social void, offering a context
where grief associated with pet loss is respected, validated and mainstreamed into the
community’s social conscience. While pet ownership has never been so high, and
acknowledgement of their importance has reached new societal comprehension, social
tolerance for mourning their loss is limited in scope and expression.
While the mourner may be drawn to attend a pet bereavement group, they may wonder, -
what happens in the group? Isn’t it very sad? And who comes to such a group?
The answers may be surprising. Those who attend the pet bereavement group come
from all professions, walks of life and social situations. We have had doctors, teachers,
mental health professionals, public servants, caregivers, young adults, couples, and
seniors.
Some attend to find comfort in the understanding offered by a group whose shares their
loss. Others may be searching for validation as they feel their grief responses may not be
“normal” and there is something wrong with them. Others need to process feelings
associated with euthanizing a pet or may need a debriefing after a chronic illness. But
most of all, people come to tell the story of their pet - to eulogize their life, their significant
contributions and to memorialize their unique experience.
While there are appropriate tears, there is also laughter amidst tender recollections.
Because group members share a capacity to deeply bond with animals, shared stories
find a very receptive audience. Descriptions of a departed pets unique behavioral quirks
or majestic heroics bring smiles and pride, continuing the persons connection to his lost
friend.
Most groups do not require registration so one’s confidence and anonymity is respected.
And most such groups are free of charge in order to reduce barriers to participation.
People may find that one group is all they need to purge excruciating feelings and
understand they are not alone. Others attend several meetings, needing that support
throughout those early weeks and months which cannot be easily found elsewhere.
Frequently those with a more distant loss give hope to newcomers that the pain is
bearable and will lessen in time. Most who attend are surprised by the extent of the relief
and comfort they feel.
Finally, people ask me how I can continue to facilitate a group of this emotional intensity.
There is an easy answer. The people who attend this group truly cherished their animal
companions. Most of them went to enormous lengths — often at great sacrifice - to
protect the life and health of their special friend. Their capacity to deeply bond with their
animal friends makes them people you’d want to know. It is an honor to walk this path
with them as they honor the miracle of their companion’s life.
Susan Stone, LCSW a licensed clinical social worker with certifications in
bereavement, is also a Delta Society Evaluator and Pet Partner Instructor. Ms. Stone
initiated Animal Assisted Therapy Programs at Bergen County hospitals, and speaks
on the importance of the animal-human bond. Ms. Stone has a private practice in
Englewood Cliffs, N.J. and may be e-mailed at susanstonelcsw@aol.com.
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