By SUSAN STONE, LCSW
For many who have suffered the recent loss of a pet, feelings of guilt may linger,
sometimes prolonging the grief process and adding a discomforting component to the
already excruciating mourning process. This all too common phenomena may
sometimes cause a tendency to “second guess” decisions made before or during the
illness or loss of the animal companion or to imagine that other choices might have
resulted in a different outcome.
Unless an owner truly ignored signs of illness in his pet and failed to secure medical
treatment in a timely manner, such feelings are misplaced and do little to honor the true
quality of a lifelong relationship in which every effort was consistently made to ensure the
animal’s health. Feelings of guilt can be especially intense after an accidental death or
when the decision to euthanize is retrospectively perceived as having been too
premature or too delayed.
When the death is accidental or the fate of the animal remains unknown — as in an
animal who ran away or who met a sudden end because it escaped or was not properly
secured — the guilt can be extremely difficult. Owners often feel they can reliably predict
their animal’s behavior in different circumstances and are devastated when their pet’s
curiosity or wanderlust places them in danger resulting in death. The fact that these
miscalculations were not intentional does little to mitigate guilt.
With regard to euthanizing pets, individuals may wonder what else they could have done,
what other medical interventions might have resulted in a different outcome, or berate
themselves for not spending the thousands of dollars on a suggested procedure which
they could not afford. They might feel that another week, another medication might have
saved the animal’s life. And sometimes in the aftermath of pet death, guilt may arise if
the owner feels he waited too long to euthanize, hoping for a miracle or because he
simply could not bear to let his beloved friend move on.
With chronic illness, there may be feelings of guilt associated with too many medical
intrusive interventions and wondering if it would not have been best to let nature takes its
course. Finally, when pets die suddenly, the feeling that “I should have known something
was wrong” can plague our thoughts and dreams, causing us to revisit seemingly
innocuous behaviors thinking we missed cues that might have prevented pet death.
While the experience of guilt is also a frequent accompaniment to human loss, it can
seem more acute in its association with pet loss. Our animal companion’s profound
innocence can evoke unbearable feelings of failure due to their dependence on us to
direct treatment without the benefit of verbal communication. To further complicate our
ability to correctly evaluate health issues, animals respond to illness differently than
humans. Animals are frequently stoic giving little warning about the extent of illness. They
may not offer clues until an illness is very advanced. Or, in the late stages of a chronic
illness an animal may suddenly appear to be fine, causing its owner to continuously
reflect on that one good day as having been representative of possible recovery.
In the wild, an unwell animal may be viewed as prey and keeping up appearances is a
survival tactic in this kingdom. Birds, for example, may fluff up their feathers to app-ear
larger than they are when ill to deflect predators. And most of us have heard stories of
animals who hide themselves when near death, removing our access to them and
silently requesting solitude in their noble acceptance of the end of life.
How to resolve these feelings of guilt is a frequent theme of our pet bereavement group.
First of all, intense, inappropriate guilt may be associated with an inability to let go. By
ruminating and holding on to such feelings — imagining ourselves to have possessed
the power to effect a different outcome — we are attempting to retrospectively reverse an
unacceptable loss. While other options may have prolonged life or ended suffering by a
few days or weeks, many aged and unwell animals will pass on despite our efforts
because it is a natural part of the life cycle. The comparably brief life span of our precious
companions seems to intensity the tragic component even when a full life has been lived.
Secondly, self-recrimination over choices made at the end of life do not honor the years
of loving care. A stubborn refusal to let go of misplaced guilt casts a shadow on the
quality of a life-long relationship and limits access to the curative and powerful memories
where healing begins and spirits remain connected.
Guilt can also be a distraction from experiencing the intense grief. While one is absorbed
with self-doubt and blame, the mourning process can not begin. Continuous guilt
removes our access to and diminishes our connection with the departed friend. The
comfort offered by a continuing spiritual connection to our friend is denied while
absorbed with guilt.
At such a time, the benefits of a pet bereavement group or communication with an animal
health professional can be very helpful. In reviewing the facts of a situation with others
who share your reverence for animal life, relief from guilt can be found when clarity and
acceptance are achieved. As with any emotional process, the mitigation and release of
even misplaced guilt takes time and support. If such feelings continue, robbing sleep,
wellness and peace, seeking professional help to resolve issues of blame is prudent.
In their unwavering regard for their human stewards, animals do not withhold their
forgiveness and acceptance of our imperfection. They themselves do not spend hours
worrying about the shredding of our shoes during puppy hood or the inevitable accidents
or expenses their companionship may have cost us. We must allow this precious
exchange of unconditional love to continue beyond their death in order to fully honor and
receive their irreplaceable contributions to our life.
Susan Stone, LCSW a licensed clinical social worker with certifications in
bereavement, is also a Delta Society Evaluator and Pet Partner Instructor. Ms. Stone
initiated Animal Assisted Therapy Programs at Bergen County hospitals, and speaks
on the importance of the animal-human bond. Ms. Stone has a private practice in
Englewood Cliffs, N.J. and may be e-mailed at susanstonelcsw@aol.com.
For many who have suffered the recent loss of a pet, feelings of guilt may linger,
sometimes prolonging the grief process and adding a discomforting component to the
already excruciating mourning process. This all too common phenomena may
sometimes cause a tendency to “second guess” decisions made before or during the
illness or loss of the animal companion or to imagine that other choices might have
resulted in a different outcome.
Unless an owner truly ignored signs of illness in his pet and failed to secure medical
treatment in a timely manner, such feelings are misplaced and do little to honor the true
quality of a lifelong relationship in which every effort was consistently made to ensure the
animal’s health. Feelings of guilt can be especially intense after an accidental death or
when the decision to euthanize is retrospectively perceived as having been too
premature or too delayed.
When the death is accidental or the fate of the animal remains unknown — as in an
animal who ran away or who met a sudden end because it escaped or was not properly
secured — the guilt can be extremely difficult. Owners often feel they can reliably predict
their animal’s behavior in different circumstances and are devastated when their pet’s
curiosity or wanderlust places them in danger resulting in death. The fact that these
miscalculations were not intentional does little to mitigate guilt.
With regard to euthanizing pets, individuals may wonder what else they could have done,
what other medical interventions might have resulted in a different outcome, or berate
themselves for not spending the thousands of dollars on a suggested procedure which
they could not afford. They might feel that another week, another medication might have
saved the animal’s life. And sometimes in the aftermath of pet death, guilt may arise if
the owner feels he waited too long to euthanize, hoping for a miracle or because he
simply could not bear to let his beloved friend move on.
With chronic illness, there may be feelings of guilt associated with too many medical
intrusive interventions and wondering if it would not have been best to let nature takes its
course. Finally, when pets die suddenly, the feeling that “I should have known something
was wrong” can plague our thoughts and dreams, causing us to revisit seemingly
innocuous behaviors thinking we missed cues that might have prevented pet death.
While the experience of guilt is also a frequent accompaniment to human loss, it can
seem more acute in its association with pet loss. Our animal companion’s profound
innocence can evoke unbearable feelings of failure due to their dependence on us to
direct treatment without the benefit of verbal communication. To further complicate our
ability to correctly evaluate health issues, animals respond to illness differently than
humans. Animals are frequently stoic giving little warning about the extent of illness. They
may not offer clues until an illness is very advanced. Or, in the late stages of a chronic
illness an animal may suddenly appear to be fine, causing its owner to continuously
reflect on that one good day as having been representative of possible recovery.
In the wild, an unwell animal may be viewed as prey and keeping up appearances is a
survival tactic in this kingdom. Birds, for example, may fluff up their feathers to app-ear
larger than they are when ill to deflect predators. And most of us have heard stories of
animals who hide themselves when near death, removing our access to them and
silently requesting solitude in their noble acceptance of the end of life.
How to resolve these feelings of guilt is a frequent theme of our pet bereavement group.
First of all, intense, inappropriate guilt may be associated with an inability to let go. By
ruminating and holding on to such feelings — imagining ourselves to have possessed
the power to effect a different outcome — we are attempting to retrospectively reverse an
unacceptable loss. While other options may have prolonged life or ended suffering by a
few days or weeks, many aged and unwell animals will pass on despite our efforts
because it is a natural part of the life cycle. The comparably brief life span of our precious
companions seems to intensity the tragic component even when a full life has been lived.
Secondly, self-recrimination over choices made at the end of life do not honor the years
of loving care. A stubborn refusal to let go of misplaced guilt casts a shadow on the
quality of a life-long relationship and limits access to the curative and powerful memories
where healing begins and spirits remain connected.
Guilt can also be a distraction from experiencing the intense grief. While one is absorbed
with self-doubt and blame, the mourning process can not begin. Continuous guilt
removes our access to and diminishes our connection with the departed friend. The
comfort offered by a continuing spiritual connection to our friend is denied while
absorbed with guilt.
At such a time, the benefits of a pet bereavement group or communication with an animal
health professional can be very helpful. In reviewing the facts of a situation with others
who share your reverence for animal life, relief from guilt can be found when clarity and
acceptance are achieved. As with any emotional process, the mitigation and release of
even misplaced guilt takes time and support. If such feelings continue, robbing sleep,
wellness and peace, seeking professional help to resolve issues of blame is prudent.
In their unwavering regard for their human stewards, animals do not withhold their
forgiveness and acceptance of our imperfection. They themselves do not spend hours
worrying about the shredding of our shoes during puppy hood or the inevitable accidents
or expenses their companionship may have cost us. We must allow this precious
exchange of unconditional love to continue beyond their death in order to fully honor and
receive their irreplaceable contributions to our life.
Susan Stone, LCSW a licensed clinical social worker with certifications in
bereavement, is also a Delta Society Evaluator and Pet Partner Instructor. Ms. Stone
initiated Animal Assisted Therapy Programs at Bergen County hospitals, and speaks
on the importance of the animal-human bond. Ms. Stone has a private practice in
Englewood Cliffs, N.J. and may be e-mailed at susanstonelcsw@aol.com.
| How To Deal With PET LOSS & Guilt |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |